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Oh Peter, I have to say, I love the blonde jokes. They really are funny. Some people have told me that I should have been born a blonde. Don't know what that means, but here are a few more blonde ones....
A blonde was driving down the road listening to the radio and was quite upset when she heard blonde joke after blonde joke. A little way down the road, she saw another blonde out in a field rowing a boat. The blonde stopped her car and angrily jumped out yelling,
"You dumb blonde bimbo! It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"
A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop, someone asked,
"Where did you get that?"
The pig replied,
"I won her in a raffle!"
Oh I am sorry the pig one is my favourite... Hahahahaha.
Night sir. Catch you in the morning.<img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/rolleyes.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='  ' /> <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/officechair.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':officechair:' />
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Top jokes Peter... But I am sure I can match them, with this one....
Texan in Australia
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
Ciao
xo
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Love that one Peter... Hahaha.
More bad men jokes. Hee hee...
If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you'd get change!He invented a new type of parachute - it opens on impact!He thinks Taco Bill is a Mexican phone company!He sold his car for gasoline money!He can't count to 20 with his shoes on!
Oh I am so naughty.<img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/officechair.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':officechair:' /> <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/officechair.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':officechair:' />
Ciao for now.
<img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=' ' />
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Dear naughty Moo! "I'm a gud gerl I am... Wash mi' fase n' ans' b4 i come i did..." Hahaha.
Those anti men jokes are quite demeaning. Oh, paleassse.. Their not demeaning to you... But to all men. Hahaha.
They are all applying to me except the first. See I never give change!
True I thought Taco Bill was a phone.
OH I did not know they were more numbers after 10!
So Mooie cop these:
A man and woman were lying in bed on night and the woman said to the man, "I sure wish I had bigger t*ts."
Well the man responded by saying she should rub toilet paper all over them.
The woman looked at him and said "Toilet paper, what will that do?"
The man said, "I don't know, but look what it's done for your a**e."
"I'd like my wife to be beautiful, well-behaving, smart and rich." the bachelor said.
"Oh, well, then you have to get married four times."
So, God made Adam. Adam was walking around one day and realized that he was lonely, so he asked God for a companion. God said, "I can make a woman for you. She will cook and clean and do everything you ask her to. She will wait on you hand and foot. She will be so beautiful that you won't be able to take your eyes off of her. It's gonna cost you an arm and a leg, though."
Adam said, "Well, what can I get for a rib?"
Gonna have to do better than that sir. (Actually rather liked the Adam and Eve one. Hee hee)
Sorry Bunny but I'm more awful than you! Ha! <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/officechair.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':officechair:' /> <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/officechair.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':officechair:' /> They're good... Thanks for making me laugh. <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/officechair.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':officechair:' />
Wanna beer? <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/piwo.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':beer:' /> Ugh! No, on top of all this wine, not a good thing. <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='  ' />
<img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Rose.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Rose:' />
"He who has not experienced, need not judge" One of my own.
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06-05-2011, 11:53 PM
(This post was last modified: 06-05-2011, 11:54 PM by MaggieMoo.)
Ooops, forgot the joke... Here...
Teacher
Dennis, Your shoes are on the wrong feet!
Dennis
But Ma'am, these are the only feet I've got!
"He who has not experienced, need not judge" One of my own.
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Ha.... You asked for it...
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
Is that man enough for you sir.
<img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=' ' />
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Peter, Peter, Peter...
Errr what's this all about:
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
I need help with that cos I'm dumb. Or playing dumb... One or the other. ![[Image: dry.gif]](http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/default/dry.gif)
OK you proved you can fight so step up again. And here are some more to stir you up... Hahaha.
"Men only have two faults: Everything they say and everything they do."
"Husbands are like fires; they go out when unattended."
"Men are like fine wine â they all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something we'd like to have dinner with."
Ciao my dear Friend.
<img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/pacman.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':pacman:' /> me running away from you.
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11-05-2011, 10:54 AM
(This post was last modified: 11-05-2011, 10:56 AM by MaggieMoo.)
Mary Mary Mary who is ALWAYS CONTRARY!
I got news for you! You 'ain't 'erd nuthin yet!
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.
What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
Hahahaha... Sorry darl. But I think I just passed ya'<img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/rundog.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':rundog:' />
<img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Chicken.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Chicken:' />
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Hi Peter,
Too good! You did pass me I believe! I admit.
Anyway Mary and Richard were at a party when one of the guests (a woman).
Congratulated them on their child Steve's good marks and school reports.
Mary triumphantly said: "That's because he's got my brains."
Richard responded: "Yes honey bunny but I've still got mine!" <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Hug.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Hug:' />
Question:
Did Richard get any that evening? <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wacky.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':wacky:' /> Um-ma... Pete... is a naughty boy... Oh you mean did Richard get any dinner that night... Hey I knew. <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=' ' /> To answer your question, probably not. Hee hee...
Anyway the atheist was in the jungle when an angry lion pounced.
Oh God! He said.
Then boomed the voice of God.
Hey! I suppose you want me to count you as a newborn Christan now you are in trouble?
The atheist said er that would be a touch hypocritical, but perhaps you could make the lion a Christian?
OK said God.
The lion relaxed and said.
Thank you dear Lord for this meal I am about to receive. I have to admit, these are great jokes. <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/thumbsup2.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':th' />
Found one that should knock your socks off...
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."
For you Mooie.[url="http://smileycons.com/"] ![[Image: 0570.gif]](http://www.smileycons.com/img/default/0570.gif) [/url] You are 98 this week right? Excuse me... If you are going to lie about my age, get it right... It's 97... How dare you make me older than my age. Why you deserve a good smack... Hahahaha At least I am cute for a 97 yr old... As opposed to you, who is 96 and not so cute. Hahaha. Oh I'm sorry, you are cute... For a 95yr old that is. Hahahha.
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Hahahah... I loved them both, you have surpassed me...
Dad to His Family: The Phone bill is exceptionally high, you have to limit its use. I donât use this telephone. I use the one a the office.
Mum: Same here, I hardly use this phone as I use my work telephone.
Son: Me too, I never use the home telephone. I always use my company mobile.
Maid: So whats the problem? We all use our work telephones!
AND
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all builders working on a bridge.
The Englishman opens his lunch-box and says, âIf I get one more tuna sandwich, Iâm going to jump off this bridge.â
The Scotsman opens his lunch box and says, âIf I get one more ham sandwich, Iâm going to jump off this bridge.â
The Irishman then says, âIf I get one more egg sandwich, Iâm going to jump off this bridge.â
The next day, all three get the same lunch, all three jump off the bridge, and all three die.
At their funeral, the Englishmanâs wife says, âIf only Iâd known he didnât like tuna.â The Scotsmanâs wife says, âIf only Iâd known he didnât like ham.â The Irishmanâs wife says, âI donât understand it. He made his own sandwiches."
hahaha... Over to you Peter.
Until tomorrow. Night
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Ok now that one had me in fits of laughter, rolling all over the computer, the table and then onto the floor. Hahaha. I have the biggest bruise. I daren't show you. Hahaha.
Since we have become :beer:buddies on this site, here's a beer joke...
A cowgirl walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my sisters, though."
Ciao for now. <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=' ' />
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Ok now that one had me in fits of laughter, rolling all over the computer, the table and then onto the floor. Hahaha. I have the biggest bruise. I daren't show you. Hahaha.
Oh yeah right! Unless I see the bruise I jus doan believe!... Ok... Here... Look closely... <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/LMAO.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':LMAO:' /> You were really looking right. Hahaha
Hey... Send that frog my way. Hahahaha....
Here's a literary one...
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.
'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'
A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right'
<img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/officechair.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':officechair:' /> <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/officechair.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':officechair:' />
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Hi MaggieMoo.
Ah the old double negative joke.
It's still good, and actually has only come to be true in the last few years.
Anyway:
One day a very old Maggie walked into a shop and got some dog food.
She went to pay for it and the cashier Peter, said you can't buy that dog food we need evidence that you have a dog,
So Maggie bought in her dog and she got the dog food.
The next day Maggie went to get some cat food and the cashier Peter said you can't have that cat food
we need evidence that you have a cat.
So Maggie went home and got her cat and she got the cat food.
Next day the same Maggie went in again and she had a box,
She told the cashier Peter to put his finger in it, so he did.
He said it felt warm and soft, Maggie then said now you're satisfied can I have some toilet paper please!
Yuk! I just hate Maggie!
I believe she was courteous... She kept it warm and soft for him. hahahaha.
Here are a couple of stupid jokes...
[size="3"]If corn oil is made from corn, and olive oil is made from olives, what is baby oil made of?[/size]
[left][size="2"]Q: A cowboy rode to an inn on Friday. He stayed two nights and left on Friday. How could that be?
[color="#cc3300"]A: His horse was called Friday. [/color][/size][/left]
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17-05-2011, 05:40 PM
(This post was last modified: 17-05-2011, 05:41 PM by MaggieMoo.)
Hi Peter,
Those jokes are as funny as a club foot! Hahaha... Cheekie.
So:
"If a man alone in the woods speaks, and his wife cannot hear him, is he still wrong?" Always.... hahaha
In a small Southern town there was a Nativity Scene that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me: The three 3 wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!"
I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'" Um-ma... Hahaha funny.
OMG Peter the post before this about my book, is so funny. I love that. You brightened my day. Truly you did. Thanks sir. <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=' ' />
Here's something different... (Me... Heee heee)
Ways You Can Tell You Are A Sad Sack - You get fired from your job at McDonalds.
- You are so annoying that even your multiple personalities won't speak to you any more.
- Your imaginary friends keep finding excuses not to come over.
- Your mum still pick your clothes out for you.
- You pick your nose and don't care who sees you.
- You are over 30 and still living with your parents.
- You look forward to going to a Catholic church for confession just so you can have someone to talk to.
- You welcome calls from phone salesmen because no one else will talk to you.
- You remind a teacher that she forgot to give homework.
- You notice that all of your long-distance phone calls start with "1-900."
Ciao for now. <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=' ' />
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Hi Pierre.
Well yes I am a sad sack!
There is the married man who comlains, "I can't understand marriage. If I come
home early my wife thinks I am after something, and if I come home late she
thinks I have had it."
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
It's easy to tell if a man is married or not. Just watch him drive a car with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands are on the wheel, you can be sure he is married.
I love the car one... hahaha. My favourite. Hare are a couple I like. <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=' ' />
[size="2"][color="#000099"]The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, 'You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'
'Why?' she asks.
'Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.'
[/color][/size]
[size="2"] One night, on a camping trip, Sherlock Holmes wakes up Watson and says, "Look at the stars. What do you deduce?" Watson thinks for a minute and says, "Well, I see millions of stars, many of which resemble our sun, which most likely have their own planets, which most likely have life-forms like us, so I deduce that there is life on other planets." And Sherlock says, "No, you idiot, someone's stolen our tent
[/size]
Want a beer sweetie?<img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/piwo.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':beer:' /> Sure why not sir..
<img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=' ' />
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Pierre,
Mooie:honey,what r u looking 4?
husband Peter: nothing
Mooie:why have u been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour ?
husband Peter: i was just looking 4 the expiry date I hate to admit it, but this one made me laugh. <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/LMAO.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':LMAO:' /> Now this next one would be you and I, if we were married... Hee hee
A man left from work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Wanna Beer Dear No more beer, I am trying to lose weight here sir!
<img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=' ' />
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Peter, you know the funny thing about the above jokes. I was doing to upload those ones... Seems we were both reading the same thing. Here's some more.
Bride and Broom
Two brooms were going to get married, before the ceromony, the bride broom said to the groom broom, "I think I'm going to have a whisk broom." The groom broom said to the bride broom, "How can that be possible? we haven't even swept together!"
Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!
Hahaha... Cute ha!
Ciao for now. <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=' ' />
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OK, Peter, you did have me all fired up... You are in trouble now sir... Take these!!!
Man says to God, "God, why did you make women so beautiful?"
God says, "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God replies, "So she would love you."
And this one....
A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel real good today.
I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five
dollar bill to a bum."
"You mean you gave a bum five dollars? That's a lot of money to give away
like that. What did you husband say about it?"
"Oh, he thought it was the thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"
Oh what about this one is my favourite....
Women have their faults.
Men have only two.
Everything they say and
everything they do.
Hahahahaha... <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=' ' /> <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=' ' /> <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=' ' />
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This one cracked me up... Hahaha...
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
A couple went to a doctor because the man was feeling down, tired all the time. The doctor said I will give a shot of vitamins, a prescription for some pep pills from the drugstore, and an empty jar for checking your ###### count - bring it back in next week so I can check it. When the guy came back to the doctor, the doctor said "Why, this jar is empty, I told you I needed to do a ###### count." The guy said, "I tried with my left hand, I tried with my right hand, my wife tried with her left hand and she also tried with her right hand, she even tried with her teeth. We could not get that jar open!"
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01-06-2011, 11:44 AM
(This post was last modified: 01-06-2011, 11:44 AM by MaggieMoo.)
Hi Peter,
I don't remember those jokes... They're new to me. Hee hee.
VEry, very funny. Especially the Richard and Maggie one. Hahaha. What about these two...
A woman's perfect breakfast:
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton
[size="2"]A man with a banana stuck in his ear and a green bean stuffed up each nostril walks into the doctor's office. The doctor looks at him and asks what he can do for him. "Doctor, I just haven't been feeling well lately." "Well, I can see you are not eating right."
Ciao for now
<img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=' ' />[/size]
"He who has not experienced, need not judge" One of my own.
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