More Lame Jokes.

[Guest]

[color="#008080"]Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighbouring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?"



A few minutes later, Timmy returned.



"Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?"



"She's fine, except that she's mad at you."



"At me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?"



"She said it's none of your business how old she is."[/color]





[color="#9932CC"]A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realised that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I forgot my teeth."



The man said, "No problem."



With that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.



The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.



The man then said, "I have another pair... try these."



The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."



The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth... try them."



The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."



With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.



"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."



The man replied, "Oh, I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."

[/color]





[color="#FF0000"]During one of the tensest moments of a murder movie, an elderly gentleman groped for something on the theatre floor. He was greatly disturbing the lady in the next seat, to the point where she finally inquired testily, "What have you lost?"



"A caramel," said the man.



"You're going to all this bother for a measly caramel?" she asked.



"Yes," was the reply. "My teeth are in it."[/color]







[color="#8B0000"]An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"



The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every day at 9 PM I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."



The reporter replied, "That's ALL?"



The man smiled, "That, and cancelling my voyage on Titanic."

[/color]

[iblis.raeb]

The orthodontic undertaker joke gave me a giggle.

[t-pot]

i have a riddle...



A woman shot her husband, then held him under water for 5 minutes, then hung him. Later that evening they both went out for dinner together. How is this possible?

[iblis.raeb]

[quote name='t-pot' post='21726' date='Nov 3 2009, 11:06 AM']i have a riddle...



A woman shot her husband, then held him under water for 5 minutes, then hung him. Later that evening they both went out for dinner together. How is this possible?[/quote]

She took his picture (and obviously has her own dark room).

[iblis.raeb]

[quote name='PeterJMelb' post='21729' date='Nov 3 2009, 11:52 AM'][color="#800080"]

Dear GOD: Who draws the lines around the countries? Nan

[/color][/quote]

My favourite.

[t-pot]

[quote name='iblis.raeb' post='21730' date='Nov 3 2009, 01:03 PM']She took his picture (and obviously has her own dark room).[/quote]



aaahh, good work =)

[t-pot]

8. Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped





.. gross ..

[glen]

hahaha. the Father O'Malley joke is very funny

[iblis.raeb]

[quote name='glen' post='21955' date='Nov 13 2009, 10:20 PM']hahaha. the Father O'Malley joke is very funny[/quote]

Seconded.

[sixtiesrule]

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?



<img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Whistle.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':ph34r:' />

[glen]

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and says, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?" The pharmacist asks, "You mean aspirin?" "That's it, I can never remember the word."

[glen]

Hahaha! Yeah I got in a short lame jokes kinda mood! <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':ph34r:' />

[glen]

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

[glen]

Hahaha. Yeah I still doing some stair walking. I just thought it was funny.



And I am trying to watch what I eat. But no luck losing weight yet!

[glen]

Hahah. Well I think I am eating black hole food. Looks small but actually it is really heavy!

[glen]

hahahaa both funny peter!!!

[glen]

$2000 Parrot



A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "The parrot on the left costs $500 dollars".



"Why, does the parrot cost so much?" asks the man. The owner says, "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer".



The man then asks about the next parrot and is told that this one costs $1,000 dollars because it can do everything the first parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.



Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told that it costs $2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?"



To which the owner replies, "To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!"

[glen]

A no-armed man goes into a church and asks if he can get a job there. The man he talks to says, "The only job we have is the person who tells our bell ringer when to ring the bell every hour." The no-armed man accepts the job.

The next day on his first day of work, he tries to find the man to tell him it's two o'clock. When he cannot find the man, he panics and rings the bell by banging his forehead against it. Only afterward does he realize that the man he was looking for was on the other side of the bell tower. Unfortunately, the man is so surprised, he falls off the tower and onto the street below.

By some miracle, he survives. After pushing his way through a crowd that had gathered around the man, the town mayor comes to the man and asks: "Who did this to you?" The man responds, "I don't remember his name, but his face rings a bell."

[glen]

In the primitive days of man they didn't understand how the sun and moon and stars worked. A caveman always saw the sun go down but when he woke up and stepped out of the cave the sun was already in the sky and on the opposite side from where it went down and he wondered how it got there. So one night he camped outside the cave and forced himself to stay up all night. Hours and hours went by in the dark while he pondered how the sun worked... and then all of a sudden it dawned on him.

[glen]

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, “Hey! You can’t leave that lyin’ there!” The drunk replies, “That’s not a lion! It’s a giraffe.”