27-09-2011, 12:07 AM
some great jokes! i love the terminor joke by maggie moo <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='
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I'm Still Stealing Jokes.
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29-09-2011, 11:31 PM
Oh thanks Glen... Have had a few issues and been on and off line lately... But I am back. <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='
' /> Heres a school joke. I remember in school when we had to tell the teacher what we wanted to do when we grew up. "I know what I want to do!" I shouted."You can do anything you want, the sky's the limit!" The teacher replied.And with that, my dreams of being an astronaut were shattered. Ha ha. <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=' ' />
"He who has not experienced, need not judge" One of my own.
30-09-2011, 09:52 PM
Hi Peter,
Yes, your worst nightmare has returned.... Here's one to annoy you. An elderly couple is at the doctorâs office for his checkup. The doctor tells him that he needs a urine and stool sample. He is hard of hearing and turns to his wife and asks âWhat did he say?â His wife replied âGive him your shortsâ. Ha ha. <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=' ' />
"He who has not experienced, need not judge" One of my own.
01-10-2011, 11:11 PM
Ouch... hahaha. I loved that one. <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='
' />Here are a couple of jokes share to me, by my nephew. I should point out that he lives in Melton. <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=' ' /> My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. A Doctor at a health conference asked the audience, "Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?â After several seconds of silence, a 70-year-old man sitting in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, âWedding Cake.â Ciao love
"He who has not experienced, need not judge" One of my own.
01-10-2011, 11:35 PM
Sorry angelface... No more boyfriends in my life. I am a lady of the world now. I don't date, I don't mate and I don't relate and to any man....
You keep trying sir. I have no intentions of breaking my word to me... Hahahaha.. <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=' ' />
"He who has not experienced, need not judge" One of my own.
16-10-2011, 07:44 PM
Hi all.
Here's a couple... <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=' ' />My parents said I should watch less movies and read more. so I turned on the subtitles Wife: "What are you doing?" Husband : Nothing. Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour." Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date." <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=' ' />
"He who has not experienced, need not judge" One of my own.
02-11-2011, 11:20 PM
nice jokes! thanks for sharing <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='
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09-11-2011, 06:00 PM
Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home. The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
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[quote name='cre' timestamp='1320818403' post='35779']
Girls night out Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home. The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!' [/quote] Ha ha... Love this one. Thanks Cre. <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=' ' /> Welcome. Here's a couple... Definition of a 'Group Project' - You get to sit around relaxing, while you watch the one person who gives a #### do the work and I was driving down the road earlier, when somebody on the pavement shouted at me; "Taxi!"So I shouted back; "Pedestrian!" Hee hee
"He who has not experienced, need not judge" One of my own.
30-11-2011, 12:15 AM
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time," The Doctor nods, "Hmm." Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?" "Hmm," says the Doctor, He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription. The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?" "No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
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19-01-2012, 10:10 PM
Ha ha Peter, you are a naughty boy. <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='
' />Here's a few of my nephew's... He's a very naughty boy, you know. <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=' ' />Just got nicked for speeding. Policeman: I've been waiting all day for someone to do this. Me: Sorry, I came as quickly as I could. and My Teacher pointed at me with his ruler and said, 'At the end of this ruler there is an idiot!'I got a detention after questioning which end. and I always keep a baseball bat under my bed......you know, just in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me Hope they suffice. <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=' ' />Ciao From The Mezzta Ps: I'm back baby. <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=' ' />
"He who has not experienced, need not judge" One of my own.
07-02-2012, 03:45 PM
The Mezzta... Is a secret.... Huahahahaha.
Ok... Jokes galore... I have thousands of them... Stold them from my nephew. Ha ha. Here's three funny ones he told me just the other day. <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=' ' />"Two blondes were walking through the park, when they noticed another blonde in the middle of the grass trying to paddle a kayak.''It's blondes like that that give us a bad name.'' One blonde said to the other.''I know.'' The other replied, ''If I could, I'd swim out there and kill her!'' I'm painting a blue square in my garden, so that Google Earth thinks I have a pool. A guy shows up late for work, the boss yells "You should of been here at 8:30!"He replies, "Why? what happened at 8:30?"
"He who has not experienced, need not judge" One of my own.
07-02-2012, 10:00 PM
Hey Pierre, I have a joke for you. Here...
Peter is doing a spot of gardening one day, when all of a sudden a frog hops up to him and says, "Pick me up, kiss me, and I'll turn in to a beautiful princess."The Peter replies, "Nah, you're alright thanks. At my age I'd rather have a talking frog." Ha ha... Aren't I naughty? Ha ha
"He who has not experienced, need not judge" One of my own.
09-02-2012, 11:58 AM
Oh my gosh Pierre, that one was hilarious. Ha ha.
Ok here's a cute one. I just sprayed mosquito repellent on a mosquito. Now he'll never have any friends. And here is an absolute clever one. God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I'll give you a life span of twenty years.'The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'So God agreed.Then God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks and make them laugh. For this, I'll gi...ve you a life span of twenty years.'The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?And God agreed.Then God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.The cow said: 'That's a tough life for me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'And God agreed again.Thereafter God created humans and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this I'll give you twenty years.'But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty okay?''Okay' said God, 'You asked for it.'So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. What do you think guys?
"He who has not experienced, need not judge" One of my own.
09-02-2012, 11:12 PM
Are you sure you're talking about men saying that to women?!
Oh, alright, you asked for it... A bad wife joke. As it was my wife's birthday last week i asked her what she would like as a present. "Oh just get me something i will look good in." She replied. She went ###### mental when i came home with a bodybag. Happy now... Ha ha.
"He who has not experienced, need not judge" One of my own.
Ha ha... Thanks for that. They did cheer me up... Here's some of my silly jokes.
What single word can be a long sentence? Prison Mooie: "Imagine you are in a world with dinosaurs and a dinosaur was going to eat you. What would you do?" Peter:" Easy, stop imagining." Oh here's a nasty one... As it was Mooie's birthday last week Peter asked her what she would like as a present. "Oh just get me something i will look good in." She replied. She went absolutely mental when Peter came home with a bodybag. Oh I am naughty, aren't I? <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=' ' />
"He who has not experienced, need not judge" One of my own.
16-02-2012, 04:28 PM
Oh Mr Peter, I love that one. I gave you a brownie point for that one as well... Boy you sure are scoring plenty of brownie points today. Ha ha.
Ok... This one should have you falling out of your seat. A Peter and his wife are playing golf, the wife accidentally breaks a window in a nearby house with her golf ball. They go to the house to apologise. The front door is standing open and inside is a smashed lamp. A man appears, they start to apologise, but he silences them.'I am the genie of the magic lamp, and you have released me. I can grant 3 wishes. I will give one of the wishes to each of you, ...if you will allow me to have the third wish for myself.'The Peter says he wants a hundred thousand dollars every year of his life, and the genie grants it, adding he will have a long, happy and healthy life.The wife says she wants a house in every capital city of the world, so she has somewhere comfortable to stay while travelling the world. the genie grants the wish, adding that the houses will be beautiful and safe from any harm.Then it is the genie's turn. He states that he finds the woman attractive and desirable, and he would live to spend the afternoon having making love to her.The couple confer and decide it is a price they are willing to pay for the riches that the genie will bestow on them. He takes her upstairs and makes passionate vigourous love with her many times all afternoon, until finally the clock strikes five and they colllapse exhausted back on the bed.'How old are you and your husband?' asks the genie.'My husband is 32 and I am 30' the wife replies.'Amazing! And you both still beleive in genies and magic lamps at that age ...." Ha ha...
"He who has not experienced, need not judge" One of my own.
18-02-2012, 10:19 AM
These are great Pierre... Some are classics. <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='
' />Here's a little something weird I remember saying as a child. It's a rhyme, but if said funny and in a childs tone, it can be humorous. (Well for kids anyway) Maybe say it to a young grandchild. Ha ha If ya' see a little bunny And his nose is very runny Don't think it's funny 'Cos it's not ('Cos its snot!) Ha ha... Kiddie fun. I luv it. <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=' ' />
"He who has not experienced, need not judge" One of my own.
18-02-2012, 10:19 AM
These are great Pierre... Some are classics. <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='
' />Here's a little something weird I remember saying as a child. It's a rhyme, but if said funny and in a childs tone, it can be humorous. (Well for kids anyway) Maybe say it to a young grandchild. Ha ha If ya' see a little bunny And his nose is very runny Don't think it's funny 'Cos it's not ('Cos its snot!) Ha ha... Kiddie fun. I luv it. <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=' ' />
"He who has not experienced, need not judge" One of my own.
21-02-2012, 02:04 PM
Peter!!!
Ain't you just so darn naughty... Ha ha. Not sure if I posted these already. But they made me laugh this morning........ I'm painting a blue square in my garden, so that Google Earth thinks I have a pool. Sometimes when you cry, no one see's your tears. Sometimes when your worried, No one see's your pain Sometimes when your happy, no one see's your smile. But fart just one time.......... Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.
"He who has not experienced, need not judge" One of my own.
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