I'm Still Stealing Jokes.

[MaggieMoo]

Choppa wrote (In essence):

Gosh with all the threats of compensation for bullying in the defense forces I should be in line for some big money. (Not)

I joined the RAN in 1959 and from day one and everyday I was called a "hook nosed Pommie bast***".

I could not complain because I was a "hook nosed Pommie bast***".

Then a reply from someone smarter than me:

Choppa, you definitely have a right to complain.

"Hook nosed" is an extremely derogatory remark!

Also noted how would the first performance of Hamlet been received if Twitter was then available:

"Bored already.

Lighten up you Danish bast***."

'Tis rather funny. Haha.



Of course grammar and punctuation are mine, not the Twitterer! Of course, I didn't expect anything less. Hee hee



Do you actually go out searching for these jokes, sir?

[MaggieMoo]

Mr P



Here is another I stumbled upon. (Not new however and many people know about it. I saw it and it refreshed my memory).

People talk of heros and pressure they are under.

Heros these days are sometimes otherwise employed as footballers.

Anyway the late great Keith Miller was once asked about how he coped with the pressure of a test match. (Cricket).

Pressure there's no pressure he said. Pressure is when you have a Messerschmidt up your ar**. His words not mine.

For those who don't remember Keith Miller he flew fighters in the most famous Battle of Britain. Your choice of skits is no doubt quite clever, it may be an oldie, but I've not heard it before, so it's a newbie to me. Very funny.... Oh and your post before this... With the talking one. Hahahahahahahaha. Is that enough laughs for me, or would you like one of these.<img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/officechair.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':officechair:' />



<img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/im Not Worthy.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':notworthy:' /> <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/im Not Worthy.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':notworthy:' />

[MaggieMoo]

Wow and let me toss him <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/officechair.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':officechair:' /> back to you... hahaha.



<img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/gathering.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':gathering:' />

[MaggieMoo]

Mr Peter,



I think you are going the right way for a smack-bottom. Hee hee.



Enough of this "happy dwarf" tossing! How dare you call me a dwarf... Green maybe but a dwarf! Come to think of it, if I were green and male, I would probably look like this guy <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/officechair.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':officechair:' /> Hahaha... Hey don't laugh.



Don't you know it's illegal? Then stop tossing me about. Hahaha.

But fishermen are legal so chop this M'dear! <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/fishing.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':fishing:' /> Don't mind if I do, nice weather for it at least. <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='' />



<img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/rundog.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':rundog:' /> Me running a mile from=m your legendary wrath! Ha! Yea, you keep running buddy and don't look back 'cos I'm not far behind.<img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/pacman.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':pacman:' />

[MaggieMoo]

Ms M Moo! Yes Mr P, can I help you????



What the?

What have you been drinking? [url="http://smileycons.com/"][/url][url="http://smileycons.com/"][/url][url="http://smileycons.com/"][/url]

You're not the dwarf you idiot! Oh I have had a drink at a Mexican restaurant... Boy, nearly knocked me out. Hee hee.<img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/officechair.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':officechair:' />

The little green man on the chair is the dwarf! <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/officechair.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':officechair:' />

Hell you don't even look like a little green man. As you say you're not even a man. (Ha I bet you secretly wish you were?) Ah, no thanks... Men smell. Hahaha.

You were supposed to toss the fisherman back. Get it? The fisherman usually tosses the fish back now the fish has revenge! God you are slow! Hey don't knock it. I am er, um. What was I again.. Slowly learning... Slow... Something or other. Anyway, you have the fisherman... Silly man can't get the darn fish off the hook anyway.<img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/fishing.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':fishing:' />



Hmmmm I just increased my running speed up to Mach 2! <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/rundog.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':rundog:' /> <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/rundog.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':rundog:' /> <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/rundog.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':rundog:' /> Ha ha... Keep at it, I am almost there... <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/sports.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='ports:' />



Ciao for now sir.

[MaggieMoo]

Looks like the joke cupboard is bare. Ok, it's probably time I sort some jokes out.



Some manly jokes I found...





If Men Ruled the World... [left]Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number. [/left]

[left]Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you." [/left]

[left]Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. [/left]

[left]When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.





Oh well something always turns up eventually. And it did. hee hee



Mooie! You could make my day by letting me catch you just this once! Argh! Must I do everything around her. Here I am, come over for a cuddle <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Hug.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Hug:' /> [/left]

[left]Happy now my friend? <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/thumbsup2.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':th' />





[/left]

[MaggieMoo]

Hi there Sir.



You are my hero coming in like Sir Galahad to the rescue. I tried...



I like them all.

But the best is the Watch and Nod one. Glad you liked them. Hope to improve with time of course.



Hell I got a shock when you offered a hug instead of running.

Suddenly the though of being crushed did not jell anymore.

So I lost balance and tripped and now damn you woman I've a torn calf muscle. Aw poor dear, would you like me to rub some "deep heat" on it, or dencorub... Whatever. <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/im Not Worthy.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':notworthy:' />



So respectively I say go and hug someone else. Please! <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Whistle.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Whistle:' /> <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Cry.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Cry:' /> <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Cry.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Cry:' /> <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Cry.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Cry:' />

[MaggieMoo]

Ah Pierre.



It's over. <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/officechair.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':officechair:' /> <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Cry.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Cry:' /> <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Cry.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Cry:' /> My life is over... Weh!!! Weh!!!



You and the deep heat keep your distance.

I'm of to see my lovely curvey Physio. <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Love.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Love:' /> <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Love.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Love:' /> <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Love.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Love:' /> Dumped for a Physio... That'd be right. Well, I may have to visit your gym and have a chat to the 80 yr old mature man... So Bla!!!



I tell you she can fix anything! Can she fix broken hearts. <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Cry.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Cry:' />





I got still 3 flowers take em.<img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Rose.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Rose:' /> <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Rose.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Rose:' /> <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Rose.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Rose:' /> An doncha come back no more no more. Hit the road Jack . . . Oh, now baby, please and don't you come back no more... Hahaha. I remember that song.

[MaggieMoo]

Hi Peter,



Hell woman my quads are still in plaster thanks to your rough treatment and the Physio wants money.

I thought my charm was enough, but alas . . . So pay the lady already... hahaha.





Don't bother hastling my old mate! He's a grumpy old bas****

He will do one of two things.

1. Hide behind the cross trainer.

2. Hide behind the cross trainer. Or

3. He will take you in his muscle bound arms and squeeze you till you sigh.

Then he will throw you over his shoulder and tell you: "Get ready babe we are off to make hay".

Now next week when you have recovered come back here... I'm recovered... Hahaha.



You think you are funny Peter... I have news for you... Check these our.





Men are like.....



... Blenders.

You need one, but you're not quite sure why.



... Chocolate Bars.

Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.



... Coffee.

The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.



... Commercials.

You can't believe a word they say.



... Computers.

Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.



... Coolers.

Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.



... Copiers.

You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.



... Government Bonds.

They take way too long to mature.





The list is endless... I can deliver more, if you like... hahahaha



Here, this is for your Physio

Have one on me <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Cuppa.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Cuppa:' />

[MaggieMoo]

Hi Cheeky Peter.



Help! The Physio doll wants money! I was going to give her endless love. Strange woman!

She swears at me (a legit customer) and put me in an arm bar then threw me outta da room. I did nuttin' honest! Aww poor dear, rest your head on my shoulder, I will make you all better.

Oh she did mutter something like: "If you want your biceps fixed crawl to that dippy Italiana and ask her." Dippy!!! Well, I never!!! <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wow.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':wow' /> Tell her for me, "She's just jealous" 'Cos I look hotter than her.<img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Hug.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Hug:' />



Here's the next line to the song describing you to a tee.



Woman oh woman don't you treat me so mean.

Your the meanest old woman I ever did see.

And here's another 2.... Hahahaha

I guess if you say so

I have to pack ma things and go. (That's right)





Ha your jokes about men are funny, but you forgot the one about "Men like vacuuming cos it puts their wives in the mood."

Mooie I tried it several times and I can tell you it's real false! Aww, poor dear, you are having a bad run with this... Here's one that will make her laugh... Q: Why are married women heavier than single Women?

A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[MaggieMoo]

Joker MaggieMoo!



You're good! But what for I dunno! <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Cry.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Cry:' />



Oh she did mutter something like: "If you want your biceps fixed crawl to that dippy Italiana and ask her." Dippy!!! Well, I never!!! <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wow.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':wow' /> Tell her for me, "She's just jealous" 'Cos I look hotter than her.<img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Hug.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Hug:' />



She doesn't need to be jealous of you woman. She's HOT HOT! You're not. And what's more she's one strong bird. Just what I like! So there. Don't care, so there!!!<img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Cry.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Cry:' /> <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Cry.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Cry:' /> I'm so heartbroken.... NOT! <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='' />



Woman oh woman don't you treat me so mean.

Your the meanest old woman I ever did see.

And here's another 2.... Hahahaha

I guess if you say so

I have to pack ma things and go. (That's right)

That's right Moo hit the road Moo and doan come back no more no more! Fine! "I'm leavin... On a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again, oh babe, I hate to go"



Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Good one Moo I got a laugh out of that!

BUT: Married men come home and grab a beer no matter what's in the fridge or who's in bed! Top that!



Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?

Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe Hahaha... Sorry, but you deserve that, so there!



Ciao Cara! I'm still <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/pacman.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':pacman:' /> Have a break <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Cuppa.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Cuppa:' /> yours and <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Cuppa.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Cuppa:' /> mine. Thanks... Ciao.

[MaggieMoo]

Peter,



Hi Moo!

Fine! "I'm leavin... On a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again, oh babe, I hate to go"

Oh my bags are packed I'm ready to go, I'm standing here outside your door, oh babe I hate to go . . .NOT! <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/rundog.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':rundog:' /> You make me <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Cry.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Cry:' /> <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Cry.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Cry:' />



Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?

Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe Hahaha... Sorry, but you deserve that, so there!

Hey woman that's TOO low! Not low enough...



So if that's how you play cop this!

WHY DO MEN FAR* (T) MORE THAN WOMEN?



Because women can't shut up long enough to

build up the required pressure. Hee Hee.<img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/gathering.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':gathering:' />



And you still ain't HOT!<img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Cry.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Cry:' /> I have 3 plastic surgeries for you... Ain't it enuf...



Wanna beer sweaty? (Err that maybe sweety) Here anyway. <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/piwo.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':beer:' /> and per te <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Rose.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Rose:' /> <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Rose.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Rose:' /> <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Rose.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Rose:' /> Sweety, sweaty... It's all good.



Ah, no beer am having a few wines tonight.

[MaggieMoo]

Mr Pierre,



Only one wine per favor!<img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/piwo.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':beer:' />



And you still ain't HOT!<img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Cry.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Cry:' /> I have 3 plastic surgeries for you... Ain't it enuf...

Good Lord woman you look awful, go and get your money back.<img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Cry.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Cry:' /> <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Cry.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Cry:' />

And you are still a man... So there!!!<img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/ras.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':ras:' />





A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"

She said, "I'd love to be ten again."

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.

Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.

At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"

One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"

God men are dopes! No arguments from me...

Ok, here's a nasty one...



[size="3"]Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?[/size]



You and I, we travel to the beat of a different drum, oh can't you tell by the way I run every time you make eyes at me . . . A Different Drum... hahaha.

Here is your wine.[url="http://smileycons.com/"][/url]me right now [url="http://smileycons.com/"][/url] Sorry darl... I returned but you were <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Sleepy.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Sleepy:' /> Time for me to head off to <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Sleepy.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Sleepy:' /> Catch you in the morning sir.

[MaggieMoo]

Hi Peter.



I still have to visit the curvy Physio since you ruined my back.

She prized outta me that you were still friends with me. Honest she forced the info from my gritted teeth.

Then she went ballistic and said if I keep writing to the dippy Italiana she will break my arm. I think this curvy Physio of yours has her eye on you... Ha! Tell for me to stand in line baby... Huahahaha

Dear Moo knower of all things, what's a guy to do? Allow me to humour you...





Here are the top ten things that women know about men!



1. They are only ever free to date when they are married.



2. Selective hearing... They select who they want to listen to!



3. They think they are God's gift to women.



4. Let go of cash, only when it will benefit them.



5. Love their best friend... Their dogs that is.. Hahaha.



6. His wife is his favourite woman in his life... When he is ill and needs to be nursed.



7. Football always comes before his wife.



8. The idiotbox is better company.



9. The only woman he can ever really loves is his mother.



10. They can't cook, clean and some of the modern fellows, can't mow lawns either... Hahahaha.



Sorry Peter, but you asked my opinion... You got it... I am too scared to ask, but what are your views on women?



1.



2.



3.



4.



5.



6.



7.



8.



9.



10.





BTW Buon giorno a te. [url="http://smileycons.com/"][/url][url="http://smileycons.com/"][/url][url="http://smileycons.com/"][/url] And top of the morning to you.

[MaggieMoo]

Hi Peter.



I think this curvy Physio of yours has her eye on

you... Ha! Tell for me to stand in line baby... Huahahaha

You are so right!

However she only wants me for my body! Mainly for my quads.

Us men want to be adored for our wonderful brains instead of just women's play things! Oh paleassse... hahaha

I told her I was yours but she would not accept that at all.

I succumbed. Sorry but she was too strong! Honest!

Are we still good? Nope... We're through. I'll not share my man. Now if you want me, you will have to try harder than the last two jokes. (Even though I secretly loved the second one about the cheap husband... Hee hee)



All the assets of top ten things you listed are correct!



Sorry Peter, but you asked my opinion... You got it...

I am too scared to ask, but what are your views on women?



My my what are my views.



All women are exquisite creatures.

Their curves are a delight to see.

Their minds are like steel traps and woe betide any man who crosses them.

They remember every single detail of every indiscretion you ever made in the last 150 years!

I love 'em. Yes, well I didn't expect anything less than these answers from you sir.<img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/rolleyes.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='' />



What about this song?

When Sue came along, loved me strong

That's what I thought.

Me and Sue that died too. Sorry darl, don't know that one. <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/sad.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='' />



Coffee break. Yours <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Cuppa.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Cuppa:' /> Mine <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Cuppa.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Cuppa:' /> Thanks I need this today. Long day yesterday. <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/rolleyes.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='' />

Ciao sir.

[MaggieMoo]

Hello my friend.



A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied. Oh, now that's my favourite... Really... I love it. <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/officechair.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':officechair:' /> <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/officechair.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':officechair:' />



What about this song?

When Sue came along, loved me strong

That's what I thought.

Me and Sue that died too. Sorry darl, don't know that one.

OK here's a clue:

Think Neil Diamond.

Listen to the great brass and pass it along. will do. <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Whistle.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Whistle:' />



Are we still good? Nope... We're through. I'll not share my man. Now if you want me, you will have to try harder than the last two jokes. (Even though I secretly loved the second one about the cheap husband... Hee hee)

OK I'm going to the Physio on Monday. I'll break it off with her.

If she breaks me you are responsible!

Will you come to the hospital to comfort me? Oh I will. I will nurse you to health. I will take your temperature... Sit beside your bed and read to you and sing soft sweet songs... And, and... And dream on buddy... Hahahaha. Ok, I'll hire a cute nurse to look after your every needs. How's that?



Coffee time. Yours <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Cuppa.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Cuppa:' /> Mine <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Cuppa.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Cuppa:' /> Oh thanks sir, my weekend has been hard and long.

[MaggieMoo]

Peter,



Will you come to the hospital to comfort me? Oh I will. I will nurse you to health. I will take your temperature... Sit beside your bed and read to you and sing soft sweet songs... And, and... And dream on buddy... Hahahaha. OK, I'll hire a cute nurse to look after your every needs. How's that?



OK to the cute nurse, thanks and then you can buzz off! <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Whistle.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Whistle:' /> <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Whistle.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Whistle:' /> <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/im Not Worthy.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':notworthy:' /> <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/im Not Worthy.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':notworthy:' /> Ar, er... I don't want to cramp your style or anything but the cute nurse is male... Oooops!



Coffee time. Yours <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Cuppa.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Cuppa:' /> Mine <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Cuppa.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Cuppa:' /> Oh thanks sir, my weekend has been hard and long.

Oh dear i hope the new week is looking better for you. Thanks sir... So do I.<img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wink.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='' />



Have a big hug.

[url="http://smileycons.com/"][/url] <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/piwo.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':beer:' /> <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Rose.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Rose:' /> Awwww... Thanks.

[MaggieMoo]

A nice joke. That is not rude at all. Goodo.



Bill and Steve are enjoying a beer and discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," Bill says.

"Thought?" Steve asks. "What do you mean?"

"Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me," Bill says.

"Wasn't that love?" Steve asks.

"No, that was obsession," Bill explains. "Then two years ago, I cared very deeply for an attractive woman who didn't understand me."

"Wasn't that love?" asks Steve.

"No, that was lust," Bill replies. "And just last year, I met a woman while I was on a cruise. She was gorgeous, intelligent, a great conversationalist and had a super sense of humor. Everywhere I followed her on that ship, I would get a very strange sensation in the pit of my stomach."

"Well, wasn't that love," asks Steve.

"No. That was motion sickness!" Bill replies. Oh sir that was a clean joke... And a very good one indeed. <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='' />



Ok, here are a couple of clean ones... Silly, but clean.



How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up On It How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way, Unique Up On It



Ciao for now sir. <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='' />

[MaggieMoo]

Oh Peter, no I haven't.... I loved them. You just made my boring day. Hahahah.



Here's a naughty one...



A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. "I promised not to tell!" he says. "Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks. "No, and I said I wouldn't tell." "Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?" "No, and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?" "No," says the boy. 'Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months." Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months, but three good leads."



Ooops, that is naughty... Hee hee...



Drink... <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/piwo.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':beer:' />

[MaggieMoo]

Ok Peter, they were good jokes.

<img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='' />



Here are three to get you back for the woman jokes... Bla! So there!!



Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?<BR itxtNodeId="14">To stop the snoring before it starts.<BR itxtNodeId="13"><BR itxtNodeId="12">What's the smartest thing a man can say?<BR itxtNodeId="23">"My wife says..."<BR itxtNodeId="22"><BR itxtNodeId="21">What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?<BR itxtNodeId="29">Put the remote control between his toes.<BR itxtNodeId="28"><BR itxtNodeId="27">Err are we still good? <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Love.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Love:' /> <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/Kiss.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':Kiss:' /> I don't know, you have a lot of making up to do!!



Are you starting to slow up? <img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/pacman.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':pacman:' /> I think you have forgotten the poem! Or is it my turn? I did forget, sorry, but it's done now. Go for it.



Ciao for now.