Has Anyone Noticed That Melbourne People Can Be Quite "standoffish"?

[nwoexposer]

I know that's not a real word, but it perfectly describes the way a lot (but not all) Melbourne people are. And I'm not the only one who thinks this way.



A little more about me first: I have at least two good friends in my life so far but would like more, especially ones that are more into my interests.



I've lived in the suburbs of Melbourne for my whole life (20 years old) and I don't have a whole lot of contacts and would like more. I find it quite difficult to socialize with people in this city, as I feel I cannot relate to anyone and some of my interests not being popular amongst the majority of Australians doesn't help either. The majority of people that I come across respect me for who I am but I feel that I must constantly compromise and do pursuits such as drinking beer, watching the footy, etc. just to fit in. I have no interest in compromising to this extent socially but the level to which people are pressured to have such interests in this country to fit in is quite ridiculous.



I also feel that there's far too many bogans and yuppies in Melbourne. In some inner and middle suburbs the people are quite fake and pretentious and personally I don't feel comfortable associating with these people.



I also feel that people in Melbourne (mainly males, not being sexist either) have been quite arrogant, especially lately, whether that be shopkeepers, etc. I find it hard to associate with other guys in this city but also find it hard to socialize with females too.



People in Melbourne seem to be quite insecure and not willing to talk to strangers in social places such as bars and clubs.



I also don't feel as safe heading to the city anymore and there seems to be a more negative and fear-based vibe around now. I enjoyed going around the city just two years ago.



I had a Canadian friend who spent two months in Melbourne in 2008 and he had trouble making friends in Melbourne too, even though he had an optimistic personality and was fun to be around.



Although I like Melbourne, I believe the attitude of some of the people here is a major flaw. I'm wondering if any other Melburnians or visitors to this city have had the same experiences and if so what can I and everyone do to make friends more easily in this city?

[glen]

hey there, welcome to the forum.



i am not the most social person on the planet so i am sort of in the same boat as you. i agree with your comments to some extent. then again i have my fiance and family so i really don't think that much about making new friends. i sometimes regret not trying harder to keep high school and primary school friends. but that only applies for a couple of people. most of them ...i do not miss!



if you want to make new friends, the web can be a good start. apart from this forum there are lots of melbourne meetup websites like this one:



[url="http://www.meetup.com/cities/au/melbourne/"]http://www.meetup.com/cities/au/melbourne/[/url]



you can blame melbourne etc but it also comes back to your own attitude and personality too. if you make no effort to make friends, then you probably won't have any. and if you whinge and moan about melbourne too much, you will just come across as being overly negative and that won't really get you very far.



all the best, glen

[nwoexposer]

[quote name='glen' post='24686' date='Feb 26 2010, 03:41 PM']hey there, welcome to the forum.



i am not the most social person on the planet so i am sort of in the same boat as you. i agree with your comments to some extent. then again i have my fiance and family so i really don't think that much about making new friends. i sometimes regret not trying harder to keep high school and primary school friends. but that only applies for a couple of people. most of them ...i do not miss!



if you want to make new friends, the web can be a good start. apart from this forum there are lots of melbourne meetup websites like this one:



[url="http://www.meetup.com/cities/au/melbourne/"]http://www.meetup.com/cities/au/melbourne/[/url]



you can blame melbourne etc but it also comes back to your own attitude and personality too. if you make no effort to make friends, then you probably won't have any. and if you whinge and moan about melbourne too much, you will just come across as being overly negative and that won't really get you very far.



all the best, glen[/quote]



Hi, thank you for your reply.



To emphasize my main points, the majority of people who have some idea as to what's going in Melbourne would agree that it can be quite difficult to socialize with people in Melbourne, especially if you don't fit in to a narrow-spectrum of personality traits and interests.



It would be great if there were more broader range of activities (including activity groups) in this city, ice hockey, ice skating, more political groups, camping groups, etc. It seems that to fit in you either have to be bogan who gets wasted every weekend and go to AFL games and in some cases, hoon or be a fake yuppie who meets with other yuppie friends and engage in pretentious conversation. I believe the Melbourne environment (lack of diversity in amenities) plays a role in the violence and loneliness but it's great to see that they've recently opened two new ice rinks in Docklands. The expansion of amenities and also the expansion of international cultures (including the cultures from other Western countries) is just what this city needs.



I have tried meetup.com with some success. Are there any other meet up/activity groups that you could recommend?

[glen]

Another option would be to get involved with volunteer work with Rotary or maybe the Lions club.

[Normandy]

[quote name='nwoexposer' post='24682' date='Feb 26 2010, 02:50 PM']I know that's not a real word, but it perfectly describes the way a lot (but not all) Melbourne people are. And I'm not the only one who thinks this way.



A little more about me first: I have at least two good friends in my life so far but would like more, especially ones that are more into my interests.



I've lived in the suburbs of Melbourne for my whole life (20 years old) and I don't have a whole lot of contacts and would like more. I find it quite difficult to socialize with people in this city, as I feel I cannot relate to anyone and some of my interests not being popular amongst the majority of Australians doesn't help either. The majority of people that I come across respect me for who I am but I feel that I must constantly compromise and do pursuits such as drinking beer, watching the footy, etc. just to fit in. I have no interest in compromising to this extent socially but the level to which people are pressured to have such interests in this country to fit in is quite ridiculous.



I also feel that there's far too many bogans and yuppies in Melbourne. In some inner and middle suburbs the people are quite fake and pretentious and personally I don't feel comfortable associating with these people.



I also feel that people in Melbourne (mainly males, not being sexist either) have been quite arrogant, especially lately, whether that be shopkeepers, etc. I find it hard to associate with other guys in this city but also find it hard to socialize with females too.



People in Melbourne seem to be quite insecure and not willing to talk to strangers in social places such as bars and clubs.



I also don't feel as safe heading to the city anymore and there seems to be a more negative and fear-based vibe around now. I enjoyed going around the city just two years ago.



I had a Canadian friend who spent two months in Melbourne in 2008 and he had trouble making friends in Melbourne too, even though he had an optimistic personality and was fun to be around.



Although I like Melbourne, I believe the attitude of some of the people here is a major flaw. I'm wondering if any other Melburnians or visitors to this city have had the same experiences and if so what can I and everyone do to make friends more easily in this city?[/quote]





your experiences are not isolated, I find its a mostly city thing... I have been living in and out of cities for 40+ years, (I have lived in all the cities in Australia).. and find many cities in Australia suffer the same thing, especially with those of us who don't like sport, or cars or going to the pub or races, but prefer more intelligent pursuits. Maybe its because the city promotes a more materialistic , selfish, self centred life style, or maybe its just me, I don't know... but it is hard finding what I call "true" friends in many cities.



Now in the "seasoned" part of my life (yes I am well in my middle ages), my son (whom is his early 20's), asked me this question the other day, he said "Dad, how come some friends of mine, never return phone calls, e-mails or SMS's , and I have to chase them up all the time? what's the story?"



My response, was, well son, sit down and let me tell you a story about friendships...



Having been around a long while, I have asked this question of myself (many times), and so has my wife of 25 years, we have both found over the years that many people treat friendships as one way streets. They never drop in to see you. You have to go and see them, they do not call you, you have to call them, they never return phone calls you have to keep leaving messages. Does all of this sound familiar? I find after a few years I no longer see these people. I have had many "friends" whom I have had over for dinner parties, but you never get invited back, but then even go so far as to ask you, when are you doing another party? I have even said out loud, to one so called friend, "when are you going to do one at your place?" then you get looks of offence, like how rude of rude to impose yourself at our place.



On the odd occasion you might see these "friends", (which are not friends, I call them an acquaintance now), and they state "Oh I haven't heard from you in ages, how have you been? " etc etc... and they are all friendly, but wonder why YOU haven't been in contact with them. One person in whom this type of conversation was going on for years, I eventually confronted them , and said, " has your phone been out of order? " with puzzlement they looked at me, and didn't understand my question, "what do you mean?" , they asked? I said" you haven't phoned me, or seen me, so I presumed your phones been out, and your mobiles been stolen, and your internet has been out and your legs broke".... "Oh, ha ha , funny, I was waiting to hear from you!" , they stated. This is when I sigh, and just walk away... many people don't see it, they don't see when they are being all one way with their "friendship" (if you can call it that). They expect you to do all the running around after them, do everything their way. They cant take the time out of their day to see you, or put themselves out. I myself have always made time for, and done things for true friends, to which over the many years have found very few.



Many acquaintances I have had, but VERY few true friends, and by true friends, I mean the ones they will put them selfs out for you, invite you back for dinner parties, make time for you, and return your phone calls, even if they are busy they will let you know they cant talk right now, but want to as soon as possible, when they have a free moment. Those people are very rare indeed, and if you find a friend like that, hang on to them, as they are as rare as diamonds. I married my best friend, and thats the best friend I have ever had, hopefully you might find a friend like that too... but don't worry son, real friends do come along, but you will find most people you meet are not friends in the true sense of the word but really are acquaintances. Thats just life.





What do others think? My life experience is obviously different to many others, but I am sure there are few people that can relate to this story... thoughts??, comments ??

[glen]

I think it has a large bit to do with the city lifestyle.



Everyone is too busy. So they have no time for other people.



Cities tend to promote selfish lifestyles.



Then again, they call melbourne one of the most liveable cities.



I am not sure whether they take into account loneliness, social isolation, etc when calculating liveability.



<img src='http://www.melbournechat.org/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':officechair:' />

[nwoexposer]

[quote name='Normandy' post='25155' date='Mar 17 2010, 08:40 AM']your experiences are not isolated, I find its a mostly city thing... I have been living in and out of cities for 40+ years, (I have lived in all the cities in Australia).. and find many cities in Australia suffer the same thing, especially with those of us who don't like sport, or cars or going to the pub or races, but prefer more intelligent pursuits. Maybe its because the city promotes a more materialistic , selfish, self centred life style, or maybe its just me, I don't know... but it is hard finding what I call "true" friends in many cities.



Now in the "seasoned" part of my life (yes I am well in my middle ages), my son (whom is his early 20's), asked me this question the other day, he said "Dad, how come some friends of mine, never return phone calls, e-mails or SMS's , and I have to chase them up all the time? what's the story?"



My response, was, well son, sit down and let me tell you a story about friendships...



Having been around a long while, I have asked this question of myself (many times), and so has my wife of 25 years, we have both found over the years that many people treat friendships as one way streets. They never drop in to see you. You have to go and see them, they do not call you, you have to call them, they never return phone calls you have to keep leaving messages. Does all of this sound familiar? I find after a few years I no longer see these people. I have had many "friends" whom I have had over for dinner parties, but you never get invited back, but then even go so far as to ask you, when are you doing another party? I have even said out loud, to one so called friend, "when are you going to do one at your place?" then you get looks of offence, like how rude of rude to impose yourself at our place.



On the odd occasion you might see these "friends", (which are not friends, I call them an acquaintance now), and they state "Oh I haven't heard from you in ages, how have you been? " etc etc... and they are all friendly, but wonder why YOU haven't been in contact with them. One person in whom this type of conversation was going on for years, I eventually confronted them , and said, " has your phone been out of order? " with puzzlement they looked at me, and didn't understand my question, "what do you mean?" , they asked? I said" you haven't phoned me, or seen me, so I presumed your phones been out, and your mobiles been stolen, and your internet has been out and your legs broke".... "Oh, ha ha , funny, I was waiting to hear from you!" , they stated. This is when I sigh, and just walk away... many people don't see it, they don't see when they are being all one way with their "friendship" (if you can call it that). They expect you to do all the running around after them, do everything their way. They cant take the time out of their day to see you, or put themselves out. I myself have always made time for, and done things for true friends, to which over the many years have found very few.



Many acquaintances I have had, but VERY few true friends, and by true friends, I mean the ones they will put them selfs out for you, invite you back for dinner parties, make time for you, and return your phone calls, even if they are busy they will let you know they cant talk right now, but want to as soon as possible, when they have a free moment. Those people are very rare indeed, and if you find a friend like that, hang on to them, as they are as rare as diamonds. I married my best friend, and thats the best friend I have ever had, hopefully you might find a friend like that too... but don't worry son, real friends do come along, but you will find most people you meet are not friends in the true sense of the word but really are acquaintances. Thats just life.





What do others think? My life experience is obviously different to many others, but I am sure there are few people that can relate to this story... thoughts??, comments ??[/quote]



Hi, thank you for your reply. I really wish I had replied sooner.



"Dad, how come some friends of mine, never return phone calls, e-mails or SMS's , and I have to chase them up all the time? what's the story?"



^^ I can certainly relate. Even people who are close to me, very close in fact, my closest friends, at least 80% of the conversations we have is because I'm the one that initiates. Obviously it's important that we ourselves initiate in relationships but I feel that I have been receiving a raw deal, where it's often a one way initiation. 80% is only occasionally, in comparison. I notice that this is especially the case in Melbourne and likely elsewhere.



You have to be friend to yourself but it would be great if it went both ways more often, just as you said, if people actually started calling you and returning the favour. Especially with your closest friends, in my case.



This has been going on for most of my life, the one way friendships, and I don't believe I'm the only one in Melbourne experiencing this either.



I would love to hear opinions.

[syd4ne]

Geez, I feel at ease knowing that I am not the only one having difficulties finding a close friend in melbourne.



I came to Melbourne 10 years ago and always hang around with people from the same country in the church. But then I decided to leave my comfort zone and joined a multicultural church 2 years ago, but I find it difficult to connect with the other church members.

[glen]

hey syd! welcome to the forum. hope you like it here at melbchat!



cheers, glen

[nwoexposer]

Even though I believe it can be difficult to make lasting friends in Melbourne, meetup.com is great in filling in that gap for people having problems. I have been attending meetups on meetup.com lately and they have certainly helped.



I would recommend trying the following meetup groups:



The Melbourne 18-35 Alcohol Free Social Group: [url="http://www.meetup.com/The-Melbourne-18-35-Alcohol-Free-Social-Group/"]http://www.meetup.com/The-Melbourne-18-35-...e-Social-Group/[/url]



The Melbourne Shyness & Social Anxiety Meetup: [url="http://shyness.meetup.com/250/"]http://shyness.meetup.com/250/[/url]



Let's Go Walking (Melbourne): [url="http://www.meetup.com/Lets-Go-Walking-Melbourne/"]http://www.meetup.com/Lets-Go-Walking-Melbourne/[/url]

[glen]

thanks for sharing those!!! it is good to get feedback from people who have gone along.

[iblis.raeb]

Ah.. many a time have i typed out a large message board post only to clumsily find some random key to inadvertently wipe away all the well compiled keystrokes. I rarely post large these days and use an external editor on the rare occasions that i do.



Peter, how can i become privet to these marvelous emoticons? ...is there some hidden external web page listing?

[iblis.raeb]

Hmmm... the smiley images are linked to external cyber space: [url="http://www.smileycons.com/img/emotions/239.gif"]http://www.smileycons.com/img/emotions/239.gif[/url] (for the image below)





So there is obviously a bunch of images in img/emotions.

[iblis.raeb]

Here are a couple of images identified with BlackWidow:



(sorta "oh no you didn't" or "talk to the hand")

[iblis.raeb]

Only into a HTML formatted email, Peter ...with the full extension of the external cyber space link or a locally stored copy embedded into the email depending on the email client software use.



Saving the images to your computer and then inserting the images from your computer into an email would probably be the best way to use the emoticons that aren't part of the program... or you could find the // actually... i'll install the software and clue you into how to add the new emoticons via the smileycon software─give me a few minutes.

[iblis.raeb]

Peter, you've already got access to both those emoticons...



The second item in the first row of the Sad tabbed page is:





The first item in the second row of the Sad tabbed page is:









You can't add the above images to emails the same way you do other smileycon emoticons to Melbourne Chat posts... by clicking the emoticons. The software embeds the emoticon images into the emails via an external cyber space (HTML) link to the smileycons website.

[iblis.raeb]

No No... thank you, Peter. I'm having to much fun with these emoticons and the Famous Quotes are interesting too.



The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts. (Bertrand Russell)

[glen]

hahaha nice emoticons!



peter - no there is no cancel message button and no save button. though you can edit your own post (within 2 hours of making it) and you can wipe it clean if you wish!

[nwoexposer]

It's been several months since I started this thread.



I still have the same problem but I'm not letting it affect me, if at all.



I rarely feel "socially isolated" now but I still have the massive problem of being bored.



I feel that there's not really much to do around Melbourne (even when money is not a problem), does anyone else feel this way? It's not only about the activities available but also the the environment they exist in. The lack of activities, the strange environment and poor urban structure of Melbourne, i.e. urban sprawl does not help with my situation.



I'm not really upset about these issues, just frustrated and wish it was different. I'm tired of staying home on Saturday nights completely bored out of my brains. I would go clubbing but the Melbourne clubbing scene is quite boring and pretentious, being bored at home isn't much worse, if at all.



Melbourne may still be one of the world's most livable cities but it just doesn't have that 'it' factor, that extra spark that makes it more exciting. The media over exaggerating on violent crime, like they usually do, makes the brainwashed masses erroneously think that Melbourne is more dangerous than it actually is and stop them going out and act more defensive in public.



Feel free to share your views. I want more things to do to stop me from being bored. Things that I will enjoy!

[iblis.raeb]

Dude, seriously?



There is plenty to do, nwoexposer, whether or not you will enjoy doing these things is the actual concern ...its hard to enjoy anything in such a negative state.



I do agree with the club scene ...clubs are to noisy to be able to have a decent conversation, however; dancing is lots of fun.



Anyway, there are heaps of hobby clubs and sports, get out the yellow pages, create a random unique list of all the closest venues and begin from top trying them out one at a time. If you can't find something fun to do by the time you get to the bottom of the list then the problem might be your attitude ...then again, if you have an issue with the attitude of Melbournian people then no amount of experimentation will garner results, i suggest you move some place else.